Jesus Blogs

August 19th, 2005

I love it when Jesus blogs — he’s funny:

BREAKING: Jesus blogs LIVE on Intelligent Design!

Thanks a lot, you dingleberries.

No, not you . The people who were supposed to meet me when I returned to Earth. Sure, they’re fundy morons, but they’re also my ride. So here I am, posting on your blog from a bus station in Kansas because they’re apparently so self-absorbed that they have no idea I’ve returned.

I know, I know. You’d expect me to announce my comeback at Powerline or Little Green Footballs or even on the 700 Club. They’re “my people.” Or at least they use my name more often than anyone else. The New Testament was written over 100 years after I died and they think they know me. Jerks.

I’m posting here because, unlike them, your minds aren’t hardened like cement, and your testosterone levels aren’t jacked up to 11. I may actually have a chance of getting through to you.

Anyway. Can I tell you something about Intelligent Design? Like, real insider stuff? I know, it’s like passing out a cheat sheet for a final exam, but my dad is so pissed with all the crap going on down here that he’s threatening to put his fist through the time-space continuum. Try living with that. You have no idea.

Let me see if I can tell you this without blowing your mind. Okay. The Clifs Notes version for your short attention spans:

Water = intelligent. Air = intelligent. Ozone layer = supremely intelligent (and it kept the fire marshal off Dad’s back). Polar ice caps = intelligent. Plankton = brilliant. The natural food chain = intelligent (and delicious). Plants = intelligent. Swiffer = off the intelligence scale.

Read the rest at DailyKos.com.